Take Off What You Are Wearing !

I love what I do.  I love having the opportunity to work with individuals; finding out who and what they were created to be.  The downside of what I do is the first hand witnessing of the emotional wounds people allow others to inflict on them.  Much like many of the remarkable people I work with, for too long I allowed people to label me.  Nothing is worse than when we allow another to put a label on us - saying what we can or can not do or who we are or are not.  There are times when the label may be positive, such as words of encouragement.  However, the negative labels do the damage.  The worst part about it is you can not stop them and you can not prevent them.  

A newspaper editor once told a man named Walt Disney he wasn’t creative enough, that he lacked in imagination.  An acting teacher once told a young girl by the name of Lucille Ball that she didn’t have any acting skills; it was best she try a different profession.  Winston Churchill was held back in the sixth grade because he wasn’t smart enough.  Well, we know all know how Disney, Lucille Ball, and Churchill turned out! The common denominator in the triumphs and victories of these individuals was the ability to remove the negative label.

Before heading out on the Professional Bowlers Tour in 1997, more people than I choose to remember told me I would fail.  I was told I wasn’t good enough and there wasn’t any chance I could “compete”.  Those were the labels people attempted to put on me.  I was already insecure, but at the time I did not realize it’s just how the enemy works - keeping you from reaching your highest potential.  Discouragement, intimidation - the words become like seeds and if you dwell on them they will take root.  Winning on the professional level helped hush those critics!  Then came the labels of addict and junkie.  Once again I had to work hard at removing the negative labels and it has never been easy.  The thoughts play over and over again in your mind like a skipping record.  “You don’t have what it takes.”  Getting the label off is much like taking a Clinton/Gore bumper sticker off a car today.  You peel it, you need water, soap, and it still never wants to come off.  Finally I removed the label and was able to put new ones on.  My favorite is “I can do all things”.

Wrong labels will keep you from living the life you are meant to live.  You are not who others say you are, you are who YOU say you are.  People will always say you aren’t good enough, too old, too many faults.  Do not live another day allowing someone else to define who you are.  I have worked with so many individuals who wear the labels others have given them and love their life accordingly.  They become who someone says they are, when the truth is they are strong, talented, and valuable!

What labels are holding you back?  Maybe a teacher, coach, loved one, or even a parent spoke something to you.   Now is the time to remove the label.  Others do not control your destiny - you do!  Stop giving vindication to the comments.  It simply is not the truth and once you realize this, the label will no longer have an affect.  The only way anyone can limit you is if you wear the label.  So many people continue to wear labels such as divorced and live with the thought they will never find anyone.  Or the label of overweight and live with the thought they will never be in shape.  So many have listened to someone label them as addict and live with the thought they will never break the disease.  You will become the label you wear - it is inevitable.  It is why so many people struggle with addiction because they wear the label of addict.  If you think you are an addict, you have already lost the fight!  Change the label to you are clean, you are in recovery.  Do not live another day wearing a label someone else put on you, write your own label.  Just because someone spoke it over you does not mean it is the truth.  You have the right gifts, the right personality, the right skin color.  You are not an accident.  You were made perfect by your Creator to do what it is you were meant to do!  You were not created as just one of the six billion people on Earth or created just to be average.  Your smile, your gift…..all of it was made for your destiny.  Nobody else can offer what you offer!  If you continue to think you are just average, you will live an average life.  If you are going to be all you were meant to be, the first thing you must do is remove the label.  Nothing that has happened to you or spoken to you should keep you from your destiny.  No matter what mistakes or situations you have been in, shake off the self-pity, quit dwelling on what mom, dad, or your cynical husband, or wife has said to you.  People can call you whatever they like.  You are not what people call you, you are only what you answer to.  Remove the label and watch the bondages disappear!

Stay hungry!

Changing The "Mind Channel" On Your Radio

In a recent session with a client, we discussed his excitement to be moving into a new apartment.  What was amazing was the fact he had yet to be inside the apartment!  He had never stepped foot inside the door and it did not matter.  It did not matter if it was too big or too small, whether the paint matched his furniture, whether the carpet was nice, or if he had a tub versus a standing shower.  He had already made the decision that he was going to be happy because he had a place of his own and it was new.  What a fantastic outlook on life that each of us can learn from.

One of the many great entities I have learned over the last five to six years is that there is a choice.  Each day there is a choice to be one way or the other – either happy or miserable.  We all face many challenges and trials each day, but how you choose to respond is what you have control over.  Do not allow the negative thought train to gain momentum.  Yes, traffic may be bad, your boss may tack on additional work to your already overloaded agenda, but do not allow such circumstances to rule you.  Each day I talk with people who allow their day to be ruined because their plan did not go accordingly, somebody did not respond to their Facebook message quick enough, or several other silly reasons.  Dwelling on thoughts such as these is a guarantee of a lousy day.

Happiness is something that you have to want and we all have things to be happy about.  You may just have to a make a slight mind readjustment.  In the last post, I wrote about being grateful for what you do have in life.  Adding the “gratefulness” to the adjustment and you certainly have a good start to change.  For example, I do not think a day has passed that I have not heard someone express how miserable they are in their job.  However, have a quick chat with the nearly 10% of the population that is unemployed – listen to what life is life without a paycheck and it typically leads to being grateful for even having a job!  Recently a good friend was venting about her family’s home being too large, it was too much work to keep clean.  Sit and chat with a family that lost their home to foreclosure or a family of five living in a one bedroom apartment and the realization can begin.   Most often, happiness lies in your perspective on life.

Quite often I recall a moment from about ten years ago (in my active addiction). I had been distraught about a bunch of nothing and I could feel the “pi$$ed off” expression on my face.  I can still feel that.  I realized that it took much more effort to keep that expression, much like the effort it takes to constantly dwell on the negatives in life.  I can promise you one thing – if you use half of that exertion for the flip side, for looking at the good, you will be astounded of how differently your life will begin a transformation.  It is just a minor adjustment that leads to better opportunity, new people, healthier living, and just an all-around better attitude.

I invite you to try something tomorrow morning: Set your “mind dial” on the positive channel.  Make the decision to start the day in a good mood.  Give thanks for being alive!  Whatever happens throughout the course of the day, do not allow your mind to be dependent on the circumstance.  Do not allow any person to change the channel.  You would never allow someone to change the radio channel in your car, so do not allow them to change your “mind channel”!!  Never, ever give someone that much control over you!  You have what you need to be happy.  Go back and look over your list from the previous post (grateful list).  Look at what is right, not at what is wrong.  Look at what you do have, not at what you do not have.  Do not allow your negative thoughts to control your mind.  Much like you would pump up a teammate in a competition, do it for yourself!  It won’t always be easy – I get that.  However, don’t give away the power you have to be happy.

Until next time…..GO WELL!

Dream a little dream with me........to a better tomorrow

This has been an entry that I have been looking forward to writing, I will waste no time with a fancy intro.

If you are like me, the feeling of not getting to where you want or wanted to be in life has at some point arisen in your thoughts.  Where you are right now in life is a result of what your plan was a year ago.  The only chance you have at getting to a different place begins with changing the way you think.  It is a choice that is all yours.  You have the choice to change the way your mind looks at circumstances, the choice to control your thoughts.  Different thinking patterns will change your future.  Changing “there is no way I can handle this” or “I can’t do this” to “I will find a way” will have a tremendous affect on where you are one year from now.

One major realization that I would like you to make is: you can do or have anything you want.  I repeat, you can do or have anything you want.  So many of us have been told “you can’t do this” or “you won’t be able to do that.”  If you are like me, you were told repeatedly that you were not good enough to do anything.  Forget all of that – it does not matter or mean a thing.  A good majority of the time it was only from someone who hated themselves or they were so miserable in their life, they wanted you to be where they are.  Unfortunately this includes loved ones.  This is one of the main reasons why it is imperative to surround yourself with positive and influential people.  Being around negative people can wreak havoc in your life and destroy the chances of you realizing your full potential.  Stay away from them!  My first stint in rehab, a counselor told me that out of all the patients, he knew I would be the first to fail.  I listened to him and did fail.  Thank God I eventually worked with someone who helped me see life in a different way.  If someone does tell you something negative, thank them for their unwanted opinion and move on!

In this entry we are only going to focus on the first step to realizing your ultimate everything and that first step is visualization.  Don’t make worry as to the “how’s”, just do the visualizing.  When done correctly, the "how" will make itself known (don’t say "how" am I going to go back to school or "how" am I going to own my own business, etc.).  From the time I can earliest remember, I wanted to bowl and be a star on the Professional Bowlers Tour.  Once I read a baby book comment that described a four year old Anthony that threw across the room any birthday present that wasn’t bowling related.  It was my first and only dream.  When the car accident was followed by the pain med addiction, the dream was taken away and life was meaningless to me.  Getting a taste of that dream only made it worse.  For ten years I danced with the devil.  Year after year I was in the same place because the only thing that played in my mind was that I couldn’t get clean, or I didn’t have the strength or know how to do it.  Even worse, I let myself think I wasn’t good enough to do anything else and I deserved what I was going through.  Once I made the commitment to get clean and was given the proper tools to begin life anew, I was able to make some sense of life again and found myself slowly beginning to have aspirations come to the surface.  With the help of some great people, I was able to change “there is no way I can get clean” into “I will be drug free” and “there is no way I can be a student again” turned into “I will be a college graduate.”  You see, there is always a way.  The way may not be easy, but it does exist.  When I think back five to six year ago, so many obstacles jumped in the way, but I made a promise to myself to never again say “no way” and to never again think I wasn’t deserving of whatever I wanted.  I left the last rehab facility with only the shirt on my back and the smallest piece of dignity.  However, I had a dream again and it led me to where I am now.  A very influential person in my life once shared a piece of paper with me that had the following on it:

·         After Fred Astaire’s first screen test with MGM, the talent director wrote the following memo: “Can’t act, can’t sing.  Slightly bald….can dance a little.”  Fred Astaire kept this memo and eventually framed and hung it above the fireplace in his Beverly Hills home.

·         Winston Churchill failed the sixth grade.  He was defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at age 62.

·         Thomas Edison’s teacher once wrote on his report card that he was “too stupid to learn anything.”  He was fired from jobs for being non-productive and had 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb.  When asked what it was like to fail 1,000 times, he replied, “I didn’t.  The light bulb was an invention with 1,001 steps.”

·         Abraham Lincoln failed as a businessman, a lawyer, was defeated for six different attempts at public office, and went bankrupt.  In 1858, he wrote a friend, “I am now the most miserable man living.”  He would become president just a few years later.

·         Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs, but struck out 1,330 times in his career.  Some say winners make the most errors.

·         Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because he felt Disney lacked in imagination and had not one good idea.  Walt went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland.  The city of Anaheim (home of Disneyland) even rejected the proposed park on grounds that it would attract “riffraff”.  One interesting note: Walt wouldn’t hire Charles Schultz (Peanuts creator).  Schultz had every cartoon rejected by his high school yearbook and local paper.

You will never be a failure unless you give up.  Sure you will have temporary setbacks that everyone experiences.  Chalk them up as life lessons.  For successful people, failure is the fuel to do more.  As you read this, I am working on the dream that has been with me since the day I left rehab (the last one (:  ).  Have most turned away their ear? I could list them.  Have doors been shut? Many.  But, I have visualized it and will not take no for an answer.  The rest of the regimen is worked on each day.  I won’t be one of those people who give up just before it was about to happen.  And never again will I give satisfaction to the people who said I couldn't do it - I urge you to do the same.

In the following posts, I will help you map out the basic steps to realizing your dream.  I dare you to do this with me.  I dare you to yearn for what you were meant to be!  As Mama Cass once sang, I want you to “dream a little dream for me.”  Begin now.  Start writing and do it now.  Channel the mind of a child.  Don’t worry about the categories or how you will accomplish any of it.  Just write it out.  We will work on the rest in the next post.  Just do it!  This could be the start of something big!

Go Well.....Anthony

Please feel free to add comments or you can personally email me.  I look forward to hearing from you.

The Magic Potion for Happiness - FREE and GUARANTEED TO WORK!

Toward the end of my active addiction and in the beginning of my recovery, I was so desperate to find happiness that I would have probably spent anything I could on a magic potion that could guarantee happiness.  After 10 years of personal torture, my mind was so screwed up that I actually believed the infomercials for magic potions and in thoughts of Neverland.  Just when I was about to give up, I was introduced to something that was life changing and I would like to share it with you so that it may have the same affect on your life, no matter where you are in it.

After losing everything to addiction, including my dignity and sense of pride, the ability to find gratitude in my life was something I thought was a cynical joke. When my recovery mentor suggested I started this simple exercise, I laughed in his face.  But, he promised me I would see a difference and he never steered me wrong with anything else, so I gave it a shot.  The exercise was simple: Get a notebook, put it next to my bed, and each night before I went to sleep I had to list FIVE things I was grateful for.  Some nights I wrote because my hair was still black, but others it was being grateful that I am one of the lucky ones that made it back from the dance with death.  After some time, the difference in my thought pattern was profound.  I was beginning to know the value of my heart, my close relationships, the oxygen that filled my nostrils, the water that allows me to take a hot shower, and the beautiful hummingbird outside my window.  The realization was that betwixt the occasional lack of money, stressful work weeks, and everything else life delivers, I am veritably rich beyond words.  Enough about me....let's get you started!

A few of you are going to say you simply have no time to do such a thing.  Just make it a daily priority.  Things will ALWAYS show up.  Be grateful for the energy to do all that you do!  I guarantee that when you have an appreciation for whatever life brings, you WILL see change your life.  When you spend time and energy being grateful for what you do have, there isn't any time left to think about what you do not have and the world will belong to you!  Just a few weeks ago, a client shared her "AHA moment." She realized her life wasn't really lacking a thing - despite the fact she had 32 cents in her bank account and her husband was in Iraq. She appreciated what she DID have.

This exercise is also something couples can do together.  I have clients that make the list with their husband/wife/partner, sending emails and texts to each other during the day.  It has worked wonders in their relationships. 

WHAT TO DO:

• Commit - You will always find a reason not to do this.  It seems much easier to complain about life!  Get the notebook, put it near the bed, and begin to look for what is right, not wrong.
• Begin - All you have to write is the beginning - "I am grateful for..."  It may take a sec or the words may flow.  It's about getting your mind to percolate differently.
• Jot it down - There may be times when a thought peaks into your minds during the day.  Jot it down and add it to your list and the end of the day.  It's a great way to defeat the traffic blues!
• No stops on this ride! - Once you begin to see a difference (and you will), such as catching yourself during the day being thankful for the smallest things - DO NOT STOP your routine.  It's the process of doing this that has enabled you to get to the point you are.  Ending the routine risks losing the little things.

Doing this on a regular basis has the power to improve your mood, increase your level of happiness, make your life less stressful, and give a better satisfaction to your life.  I have seen amazing results.  It is human nature to look at what is wrong, how we lack this and that, or compare ourselves to someone or something else.  But, if you give yourself a daily chance to see and feel the little blessings you do have, hope is created and that trumps anything else going on.  For those who think they have nothing to be grateful for - try this exercise: Each day, imagine losing one thing you take for granted, such as the ability to walk, see, or hear, your home, your car, a loved one.  Think of life without what you thought of. 

One last thing - BE CREATIVE!  For example, one day think of a person that is close to you and ask yourself three questions.  First, consider anything they have given you.  Then consider what you have given them.  Finally, consider what trouble you may have caused them.  You may owe others more than you think.  It's creative leaps such as this that have the ability to set off events of change in yourself.

I welcome your comments and would love to hear your future results.  Good luck!

Don't be so hard on yourself !

One of the biggest changes in life I have tried to make is learning to not always assume the worst (notice I said learning). Many of us have heard the expressions of seeing the glass half full vs. half empty or seeing the light at the end of the tunnel instead of focusing on the tunnel itself. I was one of the worst pessimists and it has been very difficult to shift my focus. When it came to looking at the glass, I didn't even see it half empty, I assumed it would be empty soon!

One of my favorite questions I used to ask (my good friend Michael Cardarelli can attest to this): Why is the entire world against me? Certain periods of my life may not have always been the best, but there sure wasn't anything that would have enabled me to back up such a profound statement. I had to learn that I couldn't control what happened in the past, but I had complete control over what happened in the future. By allowing people of my past to affect me, they still had control. Once I was able to move past the negative experiences, changes began to happen. I was tired of thinking that I was the victim.

There are actually scientific experiences to prove that pessimistic people are more likely to develop chronic illnesses than optimistic people! SO, not only do you spend time dwelling on things that you have no control over, you cut your life short as well. Sounds pretty pathetic when you think about it, huh?

In my conversations with people regarding the subject, I have actually been asked, "so, you just don't care now?"  No, that's not it either. It's being able to take the good with the bad and what I have found is that the good generally outweighs the bad. Being pessimistic will never aid in accomplishing a single thing. One of the best inspirational messages I have ever heard, "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best - the former makes you sensible, and the latter makes you an optimist."  Harvard professor Anthony Tjan gives a great practical method, entitles the "24X3 Rule." The next time you hear an idea for the first time, meet someone new, or ready to discuss a touchy subject, try to wait 24 seconds before saying or thinking anything NEGATIVE. This reinforces a foundational skill of good optimism and good leadership. That basic skill is listening. As you gain the ability to listen and pause for a brief 24 seconds before allowing  “critic” inside you bubble to the verbal surface, move to the next level and try to do it for 24 minutes. At 24 minutes, you are able to give more considered thought to the idea and think more carefully of the many reasons why it might actually work, why it might be better than what is out there, and why it might just topple conventional wisdom.  And yes, you should also work towards the ability to wait 24 hours — one single day — before pondering or verbalizing the cons against something. Starting with this pause button will reward you in more ways that you could imagine.

One last thing, I can remember during my bowling career having one of those “a-ha” moments.  I noticed that when I bowled in the team environment, everybody was encouraging to each other, with positive comments in support.  I realized that when I competed individually, I was extremely difficult on myself which too often led to negativity and that always affected my performance.  I started to talk to myself the way I would talk to a teammate, with encouraging words and support.  It made a world of difference.  Try it next time you are feeling down, give yourself the pep talk you would give a loved one or teammate.  I bet it will make a difference!

New Beginnings

New Foundations Recovery Blog (Project: Blog) is something that has been forming in my mind for quite some time.   I am ready to share my story, along with tidbits about addiction, recovery, and the will and way to live a better life. I am hoping that my story – one of triumphs and failures – can help some people.  From being on top of the world, traveling the country as a professional bowler, to losing everything to a drug addiction, to now being able to climb higher on the ladder of life has been some roller coaster ride. If I was able to find sobriety, anyone can because I was a lost cause because I failed miserably at every corner.  There were multiple failed rehab attempts, so many lost relationships and friends, a career (lifetime dream) down the tubes, and finally -  knowing how lonely and degrading a jail cell feels.

You see, addiction is a nasty, cunning, and baffling illness. It tears families apart without warning. Almost two thirds of Americans have friends or family members that have struggled with an addiction to alcohol and/or drugs and that fraction is growing. This doesn't even include the many that over medicate with prescription medications. That's how it started with me. I suffered a back injury as the result from an auto accident and was prescribed Vicodin from my trusted, well respected doctor. We never discussed what could happen with long term use.  I was in severe pain, needed to be able to bowl, and soon I was popping them like candy. The problem is, we upped the dosage, went to a stronger medication and it wasn’t very long before a full blown addiction showed its teeth! It seemed like it happened over night and what followed was ten years of living hell on Earth.

I have some things I hope to accomplish with "Project: Blog."  Not in any particular order, first I just want to share my story. I am officially taking off the mask, putting it all out there and revealing addiction for what it is, and what it does to people. Second, I want to show that recovery from addiction is REAL! People do come back. Just like other illnesses, it is treatable and manageable.  Recovery has given me a new purpose and hope for the future, who could ask for more? Last but not least, recovery is something that can be found on many different paths, there is no right answer. Whatever gets someone there, whether it be 12 step programs, spiritual beliefs, peer mentoring, coaching, or medication assisted treatment.  The goal is to get there.

This will not be just a blog about addiction and recovery, some of the stuff I plan on sharing is about everyday life and ways to make life better. Isn't that everyone's goal? I encourage everyone to leave comments to anything you feel like and join in the conversation....ask for advice if you feel you need it. I know that everyone will not agree with what I have to say and that is all right with me.   I have every intention of posting at least a few times a week, but will never post just to fill the screen. Most posts will be about something with depth and will definitely be brutally honest.

For the first time in my life, I am not embarrassed about where I have been. Hopefully someone can benefit from my many mistakes. One last thing, a big thank you to Sandra Matthews, a former university instructor who gave me the courage to share my story!  CIAO